Ahem
by siriuslegolasmad
Summary: This short fic is not suitable for the faint hearted. it is full of filth and is NOT serious in any way. Need an odd sense of humour to read.


_Italics peoples thoughts_

**WARNING! This short fic is full of incest, slash, mpreg, weird fetishes, cross dressing, beastiality, curious sexual references to number of people/creatures, smut, etc. story not for the faint hearted. This is not a serious fic. It is a piss take for those with odd senses of humour like myself and Demensha. **

Once upon a time there was a 17 year old gay boy called Harry. He was at this moment having a strange fantasy over Hedwig having sex with Dobby and Kreacher. His eyes were glazed over and he was groaning whilst drooling down his shirt front. Suddenly a scream brought him out of his reverie.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh God. Your Gorrrrrrrrrgggggggggeous. I can't wait to tear that off of you."

Harry clambered to his feet, removing pigwidgeon from his anal tract as he went. He shuffled as best he could seeming as he had been done that many times up the arse by various people, or rather creatures, he couldn't stand perfectly upright. He left his room and saw Sirius parading around in tight pink fluffy hot pants with a gawking and pregnant Remus pulling himself along the floor after him. Sirius replied in the campest voice ever,

"Only if you promise to do it with your teeth you kinky love beast." Remus stopped in his crawl around the floor and whimpered. Sirius made a purring noise at him and winked sexily before making his way to a cupboard and opening the door. Fred and George then promptly fell out of it.

"Oh Fred!"

"Oh George!"

"No I'm Fred!"

"No I am……..oh who cares?" They scrambled to their feet and scampered off into a corner grabbing at each others firm buttocks and almost blowing each others loads. Sirius snapped at Fred,

"Fred what have I told you about wearing my stockings? Give those back!" He tutted loudly and then grabbed his stiletto boots out the cupboard and sat down with a lot of squeaking of leather (Ginny fell out her hiding place and began writhing on the floor, the noises sending her into waves of orgasmic pleasure) and proceeded to do up the boots. He then clambered to his feet with more squeaks of leather (which set Ginny off again after she had just calmed down). Sirius turned to Remus and said seductively,

"Ready to go out now honeycheeks?" Remus hit Sirius saucily on the arm and replied with an equally seductive voice,

" Of course I am Spanky." Remus always walked Sirius to his new job at MacDonald's. And with that they skipped gaily out the door.

Harry was by this time in total orgasmic heaven having spied on the two for the past few minutes. He decided it was because of the twos secret animal sides. Remus was a sexy saucy wolf and Sirius was a randy and raunchy Padfoot.

_Ooooo the harbinger of death._ _That would mean death by pleasure. I like that idea and want to die that way. If Voldemort is going to kill me, I would love to be killed by seducing Voldemort and having my brains fucked out my earholes. _

Meanwhile, at Malfoy Mansion Draco was bringing his Mother breakfast in bed whilst trying to control himself over the thought of her lying in a silk negligee. He made his way up the stairs whilst shuddering violently with excitement and suppressed needs of a 17 year old boy.

_Maybe this time she'll realise just how sexy a son she actually has and want me as much as I want her! _

He thought this desperately as he steadily climbed the stairs, making sure he didn't spill her tea over her chocolate croissants. He reached his mothers door and had to put the tray down for a second as he gasped at the thought of what lay behind the bedroom door.

His hand trembling and his soldier almost bursting, he opened his mother's bedroom door, bent over to pick up his tray and walked in. His shirt was open revealing a tightly muscled chest and a trailblazer of dark hair disappearing into the top of his trousers. Daring a glance at the bed he dropped the tea tray and screamed in shock as he saw his mother bending his godfather, Severus Snape, over- his mother having a nine inch hard on but with very real breasts pert and pink from god knew what.

"Oh, Draco," His mother said, her tone nonchalant as she raised a cigarette to her – his – her lips and pushed Severus further down making him swallow her.

"Ooooh, now this'll get good money over at Gringotts, you know those goblins, always looking for new stuff to try out on each other. Now, young master if you'll just close the door then hop up on the bed and we'll get started," The bat eared, bug-eyed house elf dobby arranged his directors hat and focussed the camera as he spoke.

"Dobby, cut this bit will you," Narcissa said, pushing Severus roughly away and advancing on her son. "Now, Draco," She smiled at him, casually playing with one of her nipples as she went. "You won't tell you're father will you," By now the very solid member was pushing against Draco's stomach, his own pathetically soft now at the abomination before him. "You know how jealous he gets, especially when he's left out. It'll be our little secret," She winked at him then closed the gap between them, claiming his mouth with her own. Draco flushed red as his member, suddenly no longer as limp as a piece of week old lettuce, rose to rival that of his mothers and he fought to control himself.

"Mrs Malfoy, we're ready for you now," Another house-elf who had hurried to lubricate Severus in Narcissa's absence squeaked and stepped away, wiping greasy hands on the filthy pillowcase that smelt faintly of that oh so lovely sex-y smell.

Draco staggered out of the room just in time to miss Narcissa roughly grabbing the house-elf with the lubricant shoving it head first, all the way to the shoulders, in the now screaming Severus. The screaming was quickly cut off by a large red ball gag, courtesy of a third house-elf.

**OMG my brain has melted…fiiiiillllltttthhhh lol **

**Chapter 2 on its way.**

**XD**

**Review and tell us your thoughts.**


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